«Uncle Dmitry» Tursonov: I nominated myself as an official ATP sommelier of fan girls

Russian tennis player Dmitry Tursunov, currently recovering from an injury, play the role of «agony uncle», answering his fans’ questions on the website The Tennis Space.

The fans posted their questions to the «Ask Dmitry» section and the Russian replied to them in a characteristically witty and playful manner.

«Dearest Uncle Dmitry,

We’ve met a couple of times but you probably do not remember me. I have questions for you, questions that have been troubling me for a very long time. Your column is my only hope. I’m a fanatic tennis fan (not sure there is any other kind) and I really like one player in particular. Could you give me a guide or tips, something like ‘How to date an ATP player’. Thank you, my dearest uncle.

Best wishes,

Jess»

«Jess,

There are a couple of ways you can handle this. You can mope and pout or you can follow my proven dating method – ‘Stalk them and hope they give in’. Many tennis players get a little self-aware and dejected after they lose; this is when they are at their weakest. When the player wins the competition for him is at it’s highest. Just like the housing market – you got to shop when no one is buying and the market is down and out. The guy has lost, and most girls run towards uglier but more «adorable» (successful) player of the day. You have GOT to be a vulture. Jump on the weakest of the pack (the loser). Preferably go for the guy who might have got bageled, or blown off the court that day. They are really hating their life at the moment and will do pretty much anything to get their confidence back up. This is when they are shell-shocked and you can get your hands reeeeally dirty for a few cents on the dollar. But you can’t be too obvious either. Better get rid of that fanatic girl fan aura, you don’t want them to think you are crazy! Remember, they are fragile and easily scared at the moment by more trauma, so no sudden movements.

Of course there is another option. I have nominated myself as an official ATP sommelier of fan girls at the last player meeting. Well, we had to discuss something serious for once there! For a small donation to «Dmitry Tursunov Confidence Restoration Club» we can arrange a couple of dates for you. With me. You know… I can make a few suggestions, correct a few things, and put in a word for you with the other guys. I just like to help people out!»

«Dear Uncle Dmitry,

I’m a stand-up comedian in my spare time, and I’ve been asked to do a routine at my local club next month. The problem is that I don’t know any good tennis jokes. Please help. Please bear in mind that I’m British, and everyone else at the club is American.

James, Atlanta»

«The whole game of tennis is a joke. Not men’s of course! Baaaam! No no no, I’m not a chauvinist, just trying to get a reaction. I’d go with the British theme, tradition, England, Wimbledon, and how come there is no damn tea-break between sets. You must be a horrendous comedian if you are taking my advice though. One thing I enjoy, however, is picturing you in agony over the deadline and no-one getting your jokes. Nothing makes me smile more than the misery of others!»

You can check out the full list of questions and Tursunov’s replies here.